[Original 2012 review only edited for grammar]
Dark Shadows [2012]
Grade: C-
Stars or whatever: 6.5
"I would recommend this movie to those who already love Tim Burton or Johnny Depp. That's really about it."
Let me just start out by saying that without actually looking at who was in this movie or what it was about (my aunt rented it) I was very pleased with the first 15 or 20 minutes. It was a magnificent triumph of scenery, slight CG integration (green screen background), ridiculously detailed sets and props, and costumes that fit in absolutely wonderfully.
Then shit got a bit...how should I say it...creatively artistic? I mumbled to myself that this reminded me a Tim Burton film with Johnny Depp. As soon as I said that, Johnny Depp (the non animated version) walked on screen. I was like "what the hell? Is this just a live action Night Before Christmas?"
Well, it turns out it was Tim Burton after all and my instinct was spot on.
The first few scenes, like I said, I felt immersed. But then it just got trite. I mean, Burton usually aims to accomplish the cliche well enough to pass, but this movie felt so cliche it's bound to be forgotten. It's not a classic.
It's a story of vampire, witches, and gargoyles and other classic goth themes. True to Tim Burton style, it felt very cartoon like, like watching an animated film, but with real actors. It felt surreal, but in a good way.
Then it jumps forward to 1972 and I get really excited (again not knowing the rating, the synopsis or ANYTHING else other than it apparently had vampires -- The classic Curse type). We're introduced to some character that we're apparently supposed to care about, as this was (according to my aunt) adapted from a long running Soap Opra. Already, this movie was off to a great start, introducing us to a seemingly intelligent runaway, who is looking for work. The scenery looks like sleepy hallow New York, or perhaps Vermont (I'm not sure where it was filmed) and was rather breath taking, especially with its over head shots.
Suffice to say, I was impressed.
The girl then walks into a building for a job offer, and....this is where the movie collapses. Fully everything after this climax (15 minutes in, if that) collapsed into dreary fantasy Tim Burton horse shit. Let me be clear. This movie sucked. There is extremely little redeeming quality, no matter how beautifully acted, or how fantastic the props and scenery. The story, or the lack there of, just fell apart on so many levels.
Unlike some movies, this movie didn't go in fifty directions at once...it just did a total 180. All of a sudden, this movie is no longer about the girl, but about Johnny Depp and *ONLY* Johnny Depp. All I kept wondering is why? Why introduce a character so early if she's not going to star?
There was apparently a subtle love theme that my aunt explained in the original show, but the vibe I got was a desperate straw-grasp from Burton to stay relevant in a genera that really should be reserved for either heavy PG-13 (was this movie PG? Or probably light PG-13...) or heavy into the rated R, with blood, sex, and romance. This movie was appallingly lacking in all three categories. In fact, what I found most pathetic was the attempt to include said features, particularly the blood. Have you ever watched a PG movie where people "die" but don't really die, if you know what I mean? Like, you know they're dead, but you don't see it...or even a PG-13 movie, where someone will get shot, but there is no blood, no spatter, and they just kinda...disappear from the screen like an fallen enemy in a video game? It felt like that.
Worse still was the absolutely horribly coordinated and distastefully placed sex scenes. So, basically, you're telling me that watching Helena Carter go down on Johnny Depp is acceptable? And what's with the sketchy Pg-13 make-out scene between 'the witch' and Johnny Depp? Both scenes did nothing to advance the story, and simply distracted me from what was really happening....a whole lot of absolutely NOTHING.
So then it changes gears, because obviously it's a movie and needs and ending and the witch shows up and is all butthurt at Johnny for not loving her.... It's like bitch, oh my god, WHO THE HELL CARES?!?
The only redeeming quality for this portion of the movie was Chloe Moretz doing what she does best. Being a despotic edgy teen (can't wait till she's 18...).
The comic relief in the movie felt forced and distant. The action felt subpar and toned down. The love felt forced and fake. The Adams family (who cares what their real name was, that's exactly what they were) was a pointless distraction and had as much to do with the story as Walt Jr. in BrBa.
-sigh- Spoiler Alerts
Then finally some shit goes down, there's a huge Vampire fist fight where the girl gets punched in her stupid ceramic face (or something) and the house burns down. And you know what? I just did not care.
This movie started off being absolutely fantastic. If it had kept on the way it had been, and been as violent or even 1/4th as violent as that garbage movie with Jeremy Renerr and the same girl from Byzantium (Hansel & Gretel Which Hunter [2013]) I'd have been satisfied with this movie.
I wish the director of Interview w/ a Vampire & Byzantium and Tim Burton would team up and make a rated R vampire movie. That shit would be tight.
Overall, I guueeesss I would recommend this movie, but only to people's moms or to watch on a really shitty home movie date where your date wont put out.
Wow, I was an asshole in 2012 hahaha
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